Ahhhh birds are chirping and bright sunlight is peeking through the window blinds. It's Sunday morning and I awaken feeling refreshed. I gingerly step out of bed, ready to start another wonderful day. There is no need to wash my face or brush my teeth because House Mom is unaffected by morning breath or facial oil. I sing a quick song with the birds that are now perched on my fingers and feed the deer that are grazing near the front door. Ha! Who are we kidding here!? Let's rewind and I'll tell you how my day really started. *cue the iPhone text message tone* Nellie Gamble (names have been changed to protect the innocent ;) ) sent me a text. "Hey House Mom, are you home?" *cue ominous music* Nothing good comes from that kind of text and trust me, I'm speaking from personal experience here. House Mom: "Yeah, what's up?" Nellie: "The upstairs toilet isn't flushing right." Nnnnnnnooooooooo!!!! Not flushing right = clogged. So far we've been lucky and only had to deal with a couple clogged toilets and they were quick fixes. I knew Doomsday was coming. My House Mom intuition told me this was going to be a bad one. Sh*t. Literally and figuratively. House Mom: "Thanks, Nellie. I"ll be right over to take a look."
I grab a plunger from the Alpha Chi plunger collection (I swear there is two for every bathroom) and trudge upstairs. I lift the lid and brace myself; luckily it's only water. I give it a quick flush to check The Water Emptying status. Water seems to be emptying rather slowly. I allow enough water to fill back in the bowl and put the plunger in and get ready to do some work. House Mom brute force is exerted. I give it a couple quick plunges, careful not to splash water back on myself. Suddenly I hear the tell tale water sloshing/sucking noise that means the clog is loose. I. Am. Awesome. *cue Tim The Toolman Taylor growling noise* I wad up some toilet paper, throw it in the bowl and test The Water Emptying status again. Success! I pass Nellie on my way down the stairs and let her know the toilet is ok.
Fast forward several hours. House Dad and I make our weekly trip to Costco to buy the massive amount of food that the housegirls manage to polish off each week. On our way home I get a text from Bessie Grooms, "House Mom, the toilet is clogged." Sh*t again. Either I did a crappy job (pun intended) earlier or coincidence is a b*tch. House Mom: "Thanks Bessie. I'll take a look after we put away the groceries." House Dad just laughs. Later on I grab the same plunger and head back up the stairs. The lid is closed again, but I doubt I'll be as lucky as the last time. Sure enough there is a mass of toilet paper and poop. Yuck. Like really, really yuck. I roll up my sleeves and am determined to show this toilet who's boss. I am House Mom after all. If I don't have the answers, then they must not exist. Period. I give the toilet a flush to get some water back in the bowl so I can truly maximize the suction benefits of the plunger. In goes the plunger and I work at it for five minutes with no results. I would say I scratched my head to try and figure out why it wasn't working, but I try to make a conscious effort to NOT touch my face while plunging a toilet. Common sense people. I decide to try the Super Plunger. I say Super because it's the oddest looking plunger, like it's supposed to be more effective due to the shape or something. Whatevs. Down the stairs I go and pass through the Exec Meeting to go the The Plunger Stash. I feel like I have bits of poo particles on me and I stink, but the girls are too polite to say anything. Plunger located, walk back through Exec and back up the stairs. Use Super Plunger for another five minutes. Perspiration has commenced. *cue Dr. Dre "You can do it put your back into it..." Still nothing. What the eff!? Back down the stairs to locate House Dad. "Dude, House Dad can you come give this a try? It's not working at all." House Dad elicits a heavy sigh. Walk back through Exec and up the stairs. He proceeds to try both plungers. It's bad once he starts cussing. I try to make myself as small as possible and back into a corner. He switches to double time plunging (picture plunging motion on fast forward) and still nothing. Seriously!? This calls for professional assistance. I head down to the TV room and am greeted with hopeful eyes. "Sorry, girls. We failed. I'll call the plumber in the morning."
Now, there is another chapter in this saga, but I'm not going to post it. Just ask the next time you see me and I'll regale you with the details. *wink*
So yes, there was a happy ending to this truly disgusting story. I think the culprit was one of those "flushable" tampon applicators that got stuck sideways in the pipe. Screw you Tampax and your filthy lies.
On another note, I realize it's been a long time since I posted. Tax season (House Mom has a real job as a CPA) was brutal and I had some other things going on that prevented me from sharing my entertaining stories. Hope you enjoyed this one!
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